psychobabble

GYN-O-MITE !

2008-05-13T01:21:00.000-07:00

THE FUCKIN' DOCTOR
maybe a bit of personal blogging today, huh? in response
to some recent questions about some changes in my life...
... well, first of all, no sex change. sorry, I'm already psy-
chotic enough, I don't need to add PMS to the mix. besides,
I could never see myself batting for the other team, if you
get my drift. as far as my status as a Gyn-O-Cologist, that
also remains unchanged- that is to say that I have neither
been dis-barred, de-doctorized, dis-regarded, or other-
wise unassembled. the status quo will remain unchanged,
here at Shtein Central, with the exception that in the near
future, I likely will be posting in the afternoons or in the
evenings, due to the changes brought into question here.
oh, so just what are these changes? well, okay, since you
asked... in the simplest terms, I've changed jobs; in fact,
gone back to my old job, at least for now. the new job (been
there a year) was supposed to be management. that's what
I was hired to do, logistics, scheduling, organization, procure-
ment, etc., with some sales involved as well. that was the
position and the job duties I negotiated for with Company
Management. however, Company Ownership (note: clearly
two different entities) got involved and mandated I sell full
time, with a little or no management on the side. further-
more, said Ownership set unreasonable sales goals for me,
as I am new to this market (read: I have no contacts here).
the Owner actually expected me to go door to door and to
telemarket in order to sell commercial roofing. preposterous.
hired to organize, improve and set-up a service division for
long-term success, the Owner wanted me to be a door-to-
door salesman. fuck that. anyways, things had been coming
to a head for several months, and a few weeks ago, like a
nasty zit, well, they popped, so to speak. out of work was
not such a big deal (I'm well enough connected that I'm
never more than a 5-minute phone call away from at least
some type of work), but what was a big deal was that while
employed there, I had gotten rid of my car, and relied on the
old Company Truckster. so when I left, they wouldn't let me
use the damned thing for a couple of days to get things in
order. said owner is a cocksucker, though that is not to be
said about Management, who gave me all money due, and a
severance package to boot. hats off to Company Management.

RIDE MY PIMP
so, anybody out there ever have to shop for and procure
a vehicle on short notice? worse yet, on foot- and, in a car
market dominated by dealers (ie, nobody just sticks a For
Sale sign in the window here)? that's what I just had to go
through. the day following leaving the Company, I looked
at my situation as being on vacation (haven't had one in
years), but set out - on foot - to find and procure a new
personal vehicle, or I wouldn't be able to work, ya know
it? anyhow, after a couple days hoofing it, I found the
Rodeo pictured above, bought and plated it, and spent
the following week ironing out a few minor mechanical
issues... following which I made a concentrated effort to
organize my home, which had become somewhat of a
warehouse of Shtein, due to working 90 to 100 hrs/week
for the previous year. that took me 10 days. ah, but now...
... now, things are all ducky, peachy-keeno, hunky-dory.
yup. I'm already back at work, at the old job, and the old
finances took but a minor hit (fixing the mechanical stuff
took away some bill-paying money). so, all's well that ends
smell... or something like it, anyways. so, that'll be that...
... and, my personal apologies for not keeping up with my
personal reading or your comments. hope you understand.

DYN-O-MITE!

KITTY LITTER CAKE

2007-07-09T00:49:00.000-07:00

CAT LITTER CAKE RECIPE - A sure fire hit for the next family get together or party. WANT TO HAVE FUN AT A PARTY? PREPARE THIS RECIPE AND WATCH YOUR FRIENDS' FACES !!

[*NOTE: THIS CAKE CONTAINS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING THAT IS NOT EDIBLE!!*]

CAKE INGREDIENTS

1 box spice or German chocolate cake mix

1 box of white cake mix
1 package white sandwich cookies
1 large package vanilla instant pudding mix
A few drops green food coloring
12 small Tootsie Rolls or equivalent

SERVING "DISHES AND UTENSILS"

1 NEW cat-litter box
1 NEW cat-litter box liner
1 NEW pooper scooper

Prepare and bake cake mixes, according to directions, in any size pan. Prepare pudding and chill. Crumble cookies in small batches in blender or food processor. Add a few drops of green food coloring to 1 cup of cookie crumbs. Mix with a fork or shake in a jar. Set aside.

When cakes are at room temperature, crumble them into a large bowl. Toss with half of the remaining cookie crumbs and enough pudding to make the mixture moist but not soggy. Place liner in litter box and pour in mixture.

Unwrap 3 Tootsie Rolls and heat in a microwave until soft and pliable. Shape the blunt ends into slightly curved points. Repeat with three more rolls. Bury the rolls decoratively in the cake mixture. Sprinkle remaining white cookie crumbs over the mixture, then scatter green crumbs lightly over top.

Heat 5 more Tootsie Rolls until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with crumbs from the litter box. Heat the remaining Tootsie Roll until pliable and hang it over the edge of the box.

Place box on a sheet of newspaper and serve with scooper. Enjoy!

COOKING WITH SHTEIN!

2007-05-28T05:41:00.000-07:00

WELCOME TO MY HUMBLE KITCHEN
today is Memorial Day here in the States, a holiday best
described as a 3-day drunken festival of debauchery
and bedlam. nobody even cares what the holiday's even
about... only that we get an extra day over the first week-
end of Summer to party like a bunch of big, dumb animals.
myself, since I have the day off from work, have decided
to bring you into my own kitchen, as we're going to be
Cooking With Shtein this weekend! now, most of these
reckless images can be enraged by clicking on them. the
top image is an overview of the place. close ups below:

LEFT

CENTER

RIGHT

next, you need to get some supplies. yup. there's all kinds of
interesting stuff involved when you're Cooking With Shtein...

... namely, the key ingredient, and our
focus today, Shtein Nuggets. yessiree.

Shtein Nuggets are fun and harmless.
I use 'em in my office for a paperweight.

if you're serving 50 people or more, you
might want to consider the industrial tote...

... or, you could harvest your own, as long as you have
all the proper Shtein-gathering equipment and staff.

mmmm, mmmm, mmmm... and, inside, it's delicious!

hey, be careful, though, 'cause
Shtein Nuggets are flammable.

you're better off using a frying pan,
or, maybe a George Foreman Grill.
what a mess.

that's all there is to it, campers! ya just pop open a can,
and heat 'em up. simple. elegant. soooooo cosmopolitan.
oh, one other small thing... make sure you have plenty
of barf bags available. hey, you're gonna need 'em. yup.

EXTREME CLOSE-UP!

adios.

~ T A G G E D ! ! ~

2007-04-21T12:21:00.000-07:00

~ I ' M ~ I T ! ! ~
okay, so, yesterday, FlyinFox figured it to be a good idea
to "tag" me to do a piece about blogging. specifically,
"5 Reasons Why I Blog". I think this is what they call a "MeMe".

okay, I'm game.

suppose, though, we do a little legwork before we begin?

first of all, I do not consider myself a true blogger.
I write donald james simpson / unbalanced on a daily basis, and the approach is that of writing short entries to a photo-humor column. this ties in directly with reason #1, and said reason is posted in a disclaimer in the sidebar of my main page, which says, "donald james simpson / unbalanced 'heinous crimes against all of humanity' is a not-for-profit site, conceived to develop I.T. skills, and as a creative outlet. advertising is in exchange for free tools and / or services." quote, unquote. the fact of the matter is, I do this first and foremost as a learnig tool for IT and computer skills; and, to be perfectly frank, it works. I have abilities now I don't think I could have even imagined, say 3 years ago. so, anyway, when I started this site, I needed subject matter, so I decided to do humor posts, and the primary subject matter is (drum roll, please) the internet itself, usually poking fun at image searches, chain emails, chat forums... you know, the usual internet stuff, with a little bit of Socio-Political commentary on occasion, as well as some small doses of genuine blogging, frequently using photos of myself in odd situations or locations- having spent the last 3 years working for a nationwide consulting firm has afforded me ample opportunities for such photos.

now, let me add this: that one reason alone is plenty enough for me to do this; that being said, I have found some other reasons why I continue, so here goes the rest of the list...

2) shock value. I have a very dry, sick and dark sense of humor. I write for me, and me alone; everybody else is welcome to come along for the ride, if they like. I always allow comments, as I've always loved the interaction involved with that; but, hey, where else do I get a free forum to post a graphic of a Pope-On-A-Rope Tampon, if not here? yup, shocking. by the way, I have had a personal report that my work on unbalanced has actually forced a woman to tears of horror. oh, the fucking humanity.

3) might as well chalk this up to vanity. I have on several occasions helped other bloggers with technical items, and I get a good deal of compliments on my site layout, which I've put countless hours of design work into. both of those scenarios pretty much give me a boner.

4) it is an immense challenge to come up with fresh material on a day-in, day-out basis. I am nearly constantly grabbing the funny, sick and unusual images I run across on the internet; said images go into a large cache, where most stay for awhile. some get filtered out to smaller caches for "feature" serial posts, or the Sunday Big Blog, which is a larger (and conceptualized) version of my daily posts. occasinally, they get deleted, but most get used over time. I also sometimes post photos or graphics that are emailed to me by readers.

5) growth. since I began unbalanced nearly 2 years ago, I have gone from a readership of 2 (including myself), to a core of regular readers of about 40-50, and semi-regular readers of about 80-100. I get a lot of hits from blogger.com, and the stats associated with my site are untouched. it has grown from a single page to a main page with 5 sub-pages: Doctor Chip's Psychotic Test Page (just that, mind you), Unbalanced Images (a cyber-photo gallery), Psychobabble (my essay page - you are here now), Abra-Cadaver (a Bravenet hosted site consisting of photos which may get me kicked off of blogger); also, there's a FAQs page, and I administer Infrastructure (a diary of a recording project, although temporarily on hold), and I have purchased my own webspace, where I have my own URL, and I primarily use that as a hosting ground for the file types that you can't get free storage on, at least of any significance as far as bandwidth. the Sunday Big Blog itself has it's own URL now, as it took too much bandwidth on my main page, otherwise. oh, did I mention I have my own Chat Room? no, I guess not. in fact, the Chat Room of Death has not yet been unveiled.

or, did I just unveil it?

yup, I did, methinks.

okay, so to top this thing off, the icing on the cake, so to speak...
... here's my list of people I am tagging to do one of these,
"5 Reasons Why I Blog"....

Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines

MargieMix

Twit

the Mohawk Chieftain

RockDog

Cyber-Legend CJ Sorg

there you have it.

ciao!

B-)

------

ROAMING GNOME ARRESTED

2007-02-21T07:12:00.000-08:00

PUERTO VALLARTA 2/21/06 (UPI) - the Travelocity "Roaming Gnome" has been apprehended following a drunken rampage, including destruction of property and exposing himself, according to local newspapers. eyewitnesses report that following a drinking session where the little guy imbibed 37 Marguaritas, he began acting strangely, allegedly overturning multiple tables at a hotel restaurant, breaking several wall mirrors with a shotglass, and scribing graffiti on the lobby restroom walls. appearantly, though, the final straw for the hotel staff was when he allegedly dropped his pants and started screaming, "I've come to enforce the Guarantee!". at that point, the manager alerted security, who then called local police to have him placed into custody. the Puerta Vallarta police, who supposedly administered a severe beating during the arrest process, were not available for comment at press time, and the exact whereabouts
of the gnome are unknown. it is believed, however, that
he has been sequestered away, pending execution,
applicable under Mexican law.
the United States Government has chosen not to intervene.

SUNDAY BIG BLOG ©

2006-07-02T07:48:00.000-07:00

T O R T U R E
rhymes with... well, nothing comes to mind, but we've got some swell photos on tap today, and the subject matter is torture. swell photos, just like the one at the top, showing US prison guards, Sabrina Harman and Richard Garner, posing for a photo with thumbs up, beside the corpse of an Iraqi prisoner, Monadel Al-Jamadi, who was killed under torture in Abu Ghraib prison. it must've been a really neat-o good time, 'cause these guys are all smiles! well, two out of three ain't bad... come on...

how great is this? these prisoners had a buff body contest,
right after they got tortured... what a great photo op!

wowsers! some of the guards wanted to
get a photo of this great "experiment".

here's the latest in US military training for using a rifle.
what a technique!

yup, they teach 'em to play with ropes, too.

hey! this guy's givin' us the old "Lynndie"!
(that's what they call this move!)
why is that in here?

bonus! another American rope trick!

better to get pissed off than pissed on, I always say...
... but, hey - get 'em while they're down!

this sure must have been one terrific pile of bodies for 'em
to get a picture as swell as this one. hey, this is one great pile!

FEARLESS LEADER
here's old Dubya, giving us Das-Hand-Shimmy-Salute. funny thing about that... I noticed a lot of disturbing parrallels while I was doing research for this post... so I've got a treat for you. just suppose you go back and read each caption again, then click on the image? you might just be surprised. do 'em all the way to the
bottom. listen, I'll see you on the other side.

see you next week.

last week's Big Blog
Sunday Big Brother

SUNDAY BIG BROTHER

2006-01-22T07:44:00.000-08:00

SEIG HEIL!
I was planning to post this Sunday on a place I like to call "Woodhenge", but something caught my ear on Friday. nothing important, mind you, just news reports of more freedoms disappearing under the George W. Hitler regime. this time, Dubya & his band of crypto-fascist cronies are forcing internet services to hand over search engine inquiries. AOL, Microsoft and Yahoo have already knuckled under, with Google holding out on general principals. you go, Google. the government of
the United Snakes of Amerika has already been opening mail, and tapping phones has become en vogue. these, on top of all the shit they make you go through at the airports nowadays. maybe we should adopt a different stance, perhaps like the French (yeah, those French...), whose President Jacques Chirac has now stated they might just nuke any terrorist bastards who fuck with them. but, then again, we're talking about W, the most empty-headed puppet-ruler of the 21st century. by next week, I'm sure I won't be able to write a post like this anymore.

GOODBYE, FREEDOM.
21th JAN 15:28 hrs IST
Google refuses to oblige US govt on search query info

Silicon Valley: While Yahoo, Microsoft and America Online have complied with the US administration's requests to hand over millions of search queries, the world's biggest search engine - Google - refuses to oblige. In court documents, the US administration asked a federal judge in San Jose, California, to force Google to comply with a subpoena for random sampling of one million internet addresses accessible through its search engine as well as a random sampling of a million search queries submitted to Google during any one-week period.The US Justice Department said that America Online, Yahoo and Microsoft had complied with its requests saying that the information did not violate their users' privacy because the data did not include names or computer addresses, according to CNETNews.com. However, Google has said it would not hand over the data. "Google's acceding to the request would suggest it is willing to reveal information about those who use its services. This is not a perception that Google can accept," the company's attorney Ashok Ramani wrote in an October 10 letter to the US Justice Department.Instead, the search engine suggested that the government seek its information from the Internet Archive, a non-profit archive of web pages that Google said more appropriately reflects the breadth of the Web, CNET said.
from the Google News Site

SELECTIVE SERVICE?
how'd this get by me? when I was at the Post Office a couple of days ago, in lieu of the tax forms I went for (which were out of stock -- as usual!) I got this thing. it happened to be sitting right by the tax stuff that wasn't there... but what struck me as odd was that, as far as I knew, the Draft had been rescinded. when did they start this crap up again? fuckin' socialists....

THE DUBYA AWARD
...here it is, people, the both dreaded and coveted "Dubya Award", given to individuals and corporate entities who willingly participate in the turning of the screws. this week's co-winners are, of course, Microsoft, Yahoo & AOL. thanks a lot, you batch of fucks, for making the American people a little more downtrodden, a little less proud, a little less free. by the way, you fuckers.... they're keeping Hell hot for you.

1776 - 2006
R.I.P.

last week's Big Blog

BUSH LEAGUE

2005-09-30T06:59:00.000-07:00

I think this image pretty well sums it up: George W is and always has been a puppet ruler, a slave to his Daddy's personal agenda. he got into office because his crooked brother Jeb rigged the election in Florida; his non-response to the New Orleans Fiasco was because he was on vacation. he actually had the audacity to say he didn't watch any TV for 2 days. Q: how can the so-called leader of the most powerful nation on Earth go 2 days without knowledge of world events? A: he can't. this (along with the fact that he cannot complete a paragraph without uttering the word "um" at least one time) is pretty convincing evidence that he's not in control of the federal government. furthermore, it's very clear at this point that President Fuckface has not the slightest bit of concern for America, or Americans as a people (save all of his Big-Money Republican Cronies and their so-called trickle-down economics). tax breaks for the rich? fuck that. why should I pay a higher effective tax rate than someone like Donald Trump or Bill Gates? sadly, most Republicans are like this.... all about the rich getting richer -- and the poor getting poorer. any Republicans reading this? I hope you are the first to die when there's hunger riots from food costs being so high that people can't afford to eat anymore. at least I can honestly tell you that I voted for Gore in 2000 and Kerry in 2004 -- not because I'm a Democrat, but because I'm an American. by the way, I went grocery shopping yesterday -- and the price of milk is already up 25% from what it was before Katrina hit. wake up, America. the Bush Family's Big Brother Government is fucking you over....

I've got MORE to say on this subject

MEET THE POPE

2005-09-22T07:03:00.000-07:00

today, we open a new segment here at Unbalanced, called "Meet the Pope". here with us is the Holy Father himself, Pope-Hitler-Youth-the-First.

Dr. Chip: welcome, there, your eminance....
Das Pope: vominos nabisco lorna doonus.
DC: don't wave that damned thing at me....okay, pope, suppose we get down to brass tacks?
DP: vas ist das? eine trick?
DC: no trick, your assholiness. just tell us about your experience as a Hitler Youth....
DP: JA, VOL .... er, um, vat I mean to zay ist zat ve vere nicht brain-vashed.
DC: yeah, sure. did you just give me "Das-Hand-Shimmy-Salute"?
DP: nein! nein!
DC: nine is right, you overdressed pompous fuck! how 'bout a nine-iron right up your ass?
DP: gack....
DC: wanna talk about the Catholic Church, your honor?
DP: vas....?
DC: you fucks had a platform of non-involvement during the holocaust!
DP: GACK!
DC: tell us about the Spanish Inquisition!
DP: GACK! GACK! uugghh....
DC: 'Gack', he says....
DP: ICH HABE EINE GROSSE SHEISS EN DIE HOSEN !! ICH HABE EINE GROSSE SHEISS EN DIE HOSEN !!
DC: 'you have a giant shit in your pants', you say?
DP: AAARRRGH........
DC: let's suppose I grab that pope-spanker away from you and shove it right in yourFCC DELETED CONTENT FCC DELETED CONTENT FCC DELETED CONTENT FCC
our sponsor wishes to offer an apology and issue a retraction. we will donate 10,000 gross of Lorna Doones for use as Communion wafers at the Vatican. please don't sue us.

AMERIKA

2005-09-09T06:55:00.000-07:00

lot's of interesting shtein in the wake of (no pun intended here) the New Orleans Apocalypse.
the exposure of a complete breakdown of all levels of government (especially FEMA and the City of New Orleans).
soldiers with shoot-to-kill orders.
price gouging by the oil companies (40 states have initiated criminal investigations against them).
President Sphincter stays on vacation.
heads are gonna roll after this one, baby....
want a real juicy sniglet? I was at a social function recently when I overheard some health care professionals comment on the fact that the possibility exists that the government deliberately sent those people to the Superdome -- and then left them there to die --on purpose-- in order to reduce the amount of welfare revenue outtake for the state of Louisiana -- remember, almost everyone left was dirt poor, and many were released convicts and project housing dwellers -- I believe the exact verbage expressed was "to get them off the rolls" (as in roll call, not "hey pizza face, I want a creole shit sandwich on a Kaiser roll).
I would now like to refresh your memories as to another incident of ethnic cleansing....
maybe if America wakes up, there won't be any more of this. as it is, the way I see it, we are dangerously close to a class war in this country.

if anyone has any thoughts on Genocide, feel free to add them to the comments below.

THINK.

here's more on the subject....

COMPLETE REGRESSION

2005-09-02T06:51:00.000-07:00

welcome to New Orleans....

what type of comparison would you like to draw? Hiroshima? Pompeii? Sodom & Gomorrah? Chernobyl?
the short of it is this: New Orleans is finished. and, considering the events of the last few days (that's right -- it's only been a few days), it should stay finished. don't rebuild it.
hey, I thought this was the information age? listen, in a very short time there has been a complete breakdown of society as we know it in New Orleans.... I'm not talking about the people looting what's left down there.... given the situation, most of that is merely survival -- which really brings me to my point.... this city has known for a very long time that a direct hit from a hurricane would be catastrophic. and what we've seen after Katrina is the result of years of careful planning? not only did the government fail to get everybody out, but they now appear more concerned with stopping looting than preserving the lives of human beings. and, to boot, they've got their collective hand out for charity....
people stealing in order to (for the most part, anyway) stay alive. riots. rape. shots fired. probably murder. mob rule.
the unbelieveably poor planning by the city of New Orleans and the state of Louisiana is a hideous embarrassment to America. for that matter, so is our so-called president, who only yesterday elected to return from his vacation. YESTERDAY??? VACATION??? are you going to try to tell me that son-of-a-bitch didn't know there was a category 5 storm bearing down on an American city which existed (yes, past tense) below sea-level?
the price of gas has skyrocketed this year, and escalated after this week's events. and George W. Futard goes on vacation?
THIS COUNTRY IS IN A FUCKING CRISIS ! !

forget about the Big Easy, people.... it's gone, and the people who remain there did so by CHOICE. wanna feel sorry for someone? there's already Americans starving in our cities.... and the price of a gallon of gas has now surpassed the cost of a gallon of milk.
does anyone but me realize that in about 4 weeks there's going to be an awful lot of hard working people who won't be able to eat -- because petroleum prices will cause a cascading domino effect on what's left of our so-called economy?
prepare for hard times, America. I fear this is just the tip of the iceberg.
I'd like you all to say hello to the new American....

NATALEE HOLLOWAY MYSTERY SOLVED

2005-07-27T07:58:00.000-07:00

Aruba ( UPI ) - the disappearance of American tourist Natalee Holloway has finally been unraveled, but the FBI and Interpol did not find the body they thought they were looking for.

the fate of the missing teenager was uncovered by telejournalist and former NFL star Tim "the Tool" Green. most Americans now recognize Green for hosting the sleazy television tabloid "A Current Affair".......

Green was shooting on location in Aruba in order to fully manipulate the ongoing story in order to improve ratings and promote his latest book, "I am a Dumbass, But I'm Richer than You", when he decided to take a bruncheon at this establishment.......

it was here that Green met up with two local Aruban women, who in short order convinced Green to retire to their apartment in this building.......

once inside, Green overheard several Dwarf women conversing about "that little American bitch". Noted for his cognitive prowess, Green immediately discerned from what he was hearing that Holloway had actually been abducted and sold into white slavery by a ruthless gang of of white slave traders. Green then used his persuasiveness to beat several prostitutes into submission, converting the apartment into a killing field, while extracting confessions from the local women. what he learned was that the gang was none other than the notorious "car show gang" - that is, "Mr. Big" ( Gary Coleman ) .......

and his lackies, Mickey Dolenz and David Hasselhoffenheimerschmidt. the gang purportedly lured Natalee into the General Lee with a couple of candy bars and Michael Jackson concert tickets. once inside the General Lee, Miss Holloway was beaten silly with a wet noodle before being whisked to a waiting plane, which transported Mr. Big and Natalee to Madagascar and the awaiting K.I.T.T., who then drove them to their final destination, the Ukraine, where a big money trade was finalized between Coleman and this man ........

who is as of yet unidentified, but is said to reek of fish and vodka. Coleman, Dolenz and Hasselhoffenheimerschmidt have been detained by US and foriegn customs authorities, but no information is said to be forthcoming. however, the US supreme court is reportedly waiving all constitutional rights of the suspects, and has summoned an interrogation team of Tim Green, Lucifer and R. Lee Ermy. though her fate has been learned, Natalee's exact location is unclear, with authorities from both the US and Russia declaring the transaction "legal, binding and proper according to international law".

Miss Holloway's family did, however, receive this postcard sent by overseas courier........